The Way Out Is In

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I am a powerful presence. I have a bold voice. I carry myself with confidence. As a thought leader and speaker I love feeling into a room and moving the people in it. I am comfortable taking up space. And I am known to offer a presence that will lovingly and intentionally say the thing that others won’t say.

Except when I don’t. Because sometimes I won’t.

Being fully expressed has not always been appreciated by the people in my life and work. Rather than focusing on the people who are attracted to my style I have learned to unconsciously adapt my way of being to suit the comfort of others at times when it is against my best interest.

As a young woman, I was more outspoken than the cultural norm. I was physically bigger than the cultural norm. I have always had red hair and freckles. While sometimes I was appreciated for those qualities, often I adapted to fit into my environment and when I couldn’t, I’d seek out a new environment.

When my family moved from the northern suburbs of Chicago to Chicago’s Lincoln Park neighborhood, my environment expanded and I developed new adaptations for the new environment.

We all adapt and contort ourselves to create the illusion of safety in our environments and relationships. That’s what we commonly call “fitting in”. The most influential people on the planet do this. No one is exempt from adapting when they feel it’s needed—consciously or unconsciously.

Do a quick scan of your personal and professional life. Where are you adapting in your relationships? I am not talking about compromising. I am talking about contorting yourself.

For example, I recently realized that I often soften my word choice to accommodate a specific team member. There is something that gets stirred up in me when I experience conflict with them that is old and familiar, so I adapt. The powerful woman that I know myself to be that can hold a field of dissonance among people is really stretched in this particular relationship.

I adore this team member. And when they want what they want—watch out. Their reaction to a boundary creates a reaction that I don’t enjoy. So I adapt. My adaptation works in the short term. It gives me a little relief and doesn’t require this person to grow or evolve. I accommodate their moods and I marginalize our relationship because I sacrifice my own truth.

Sacrificing or marginalizing yourself doesn’t work.

It doesn’t work for me. And ultimately it doesn’t work for them. They get what they want in the short term but my adaptation is ultimately a collusion with some part in them that is reactive.

In subtle ways I end up compromising the business objectives and goals that are important to our team to avoid the reaction of one team member and then I get angry. Like a slow boil right beneath the surface. In the short term one team member gets what they want but in the long term it impacts the quality of our relationship and the mission we are here to move forward.

You could say that adapting to certain people or environments is good calculus—sometimes it is. And sometimes it’s a way that we marginalize or compromise ourselves.

Transformed leaders tune into a room, a group, an organization, and a culture.

They feel and sense into the dynamics that aren’t being spoken and they respond to what’s really needed. Attunement as a leadership practice is a game changer.

But just as important as tuning into a room is the ability to tune into oneself and ask what is holding you back or weighing you down. Tuning into your wants and needs is very different than adapting to the wants and needs of the people and world around you.

I work with high performing leaders, founders, and entrepreneurs. I work with people that have demonstrated measurable “success” in their life, world, and affairs. And I work with leaders that are ready to take their work in the world to another level. They understand the best way to get to their desired destinations and beyond is through diving into who they are—what makes them respond and react as they do.

The way out is “in”.

Effective leaders get really curious about what is motivating their behaviors and specifically their adaptations.

Adaptations are survival strategies that you have developed to fit into the environment, whatever environment. When your adaptations are left unexamined they inhibit your full potential.

Transformational leaders are devoted to self-awareness and realizing that the world they are perceiving is a projection of their inner state. That is a big idea that you could spend your lifetime exploring.

The best adventure you’ll ever take is the one within yourself. The more familiar you become with the twists and turns within you the better able you are to develop an itinerary for life that really brings you alive.

Let me help you in getting where you want to be—as within so without.

The world needs transformed leaders, now more than ever.