Defining Four Aspects of Love and Bringing it Alive

“What aspects of “me” have I deemed unloveable? And can I fall madly in love with the aspects of self that I believe are unloveable?” – Lola Wright

We talk about what we want from love all the time. We want a fierce, on-fire, passionate love, but do we even know how to practice this kind of love? Whether we seek to love ourselves, our romantic partners, or our communities, we must be able to define our active love.

This week on Find Your Fierce & Loving, I’m bringing you a topic that we’ve been talking about in the Our Circle community: how to define a love that is truly alive. As articulated by Vietnamese Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hahn, there are four aspects of love: loving-kindness, compassion, joy, and freedom. Join me as we dive into how love must come alive in ourselves, with romantic partners, among intimate friends and family members, and then in the public square. I am asking us to go beyond a conceptual understanding of love and activate a lived practice.

• (00:40) – Bringing love alive
• (05:37) – Loving yourself
• (07:21) – Loving your romantic partner
• (12:36) – Love in intimate relationships
• (14:57) – Love in the public square

Do you want to unleash your inherent love and goodness, liberate yourself, and free humanity from the oppressive systems and structures we have created? We are here to support you in finding your fierce and loving life. Join us in Our Circle, a vibrant membership community rich in opportunities for engagement and transformation. Find out more at lolawright.com/our-circle.

You can follow Lola Wright, on Instagram, Facebook, LinkedIn, and Twitter and learn more about my work at lolawright.com.

Chicago born and built, Lola grew up in wealth and privilege, yet always sensed something was missing. She sought out aliveness and freedom in music, immersing herself in the hip hop and house music scenes of 90s Chicago. After finding herself on her own at 23, as the mother of two young children, she became determined to create a new experience.

Lola is an ordained minister with a gift for weaving together the mystical and material, she served for many years as the CEO of Bodhi Center, an organization committed to personal transformation, collective awakening, conscious activism, and community-building. 

This podcast is produced by Quinn Rose with theme music by independent producer Trey Royal.

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(00:01) Personal transformation and collective awakening involve being the most alive, brilliant, inspired, creative, on fire version of yourself. A version that is not consistent with the status quo. My name is Lola Wright, and this is Find Your Fierce & Loving. This podcast is a wake-up call, a roadmap back to your holy purpose, an invitation to set fire to the box you’ve been living in and watch it burn.

(00:36) During the month of February in the Our Circle membership community, we went really deep on the topic of love. Oftentimes we’ll hear about this thing love, but it’s so conceptual. It really can almost become meaningless. I think that if love is not an active practice, it is very sort of esoteric. We’ll hear so often like, “What the world needs now is love, sweet love.” But do we even know how to practice love? Do we even know how to receive love? Do we know how to be available to this thing called love?

(01:20) So, you know, as a reminder, the kind of love I’m always going to invite you into is a fierce love. It is not listless. It is not passive. It is not apathetic. In fact, those aren’t qualities of love at all. It is alive and it is on fire. One of my favorite definitions of love is from one of my favorite philosophers who you’ve heard me mention before, the brilliant Ernest Holmes. He says, “Love is the central flame of the universe. Nay, the very fire itself.” I love that. Who says nay? Love is an essence, an atmosphere, which defies analysis.

(02:04) Love defies analysis. It is not going to be able to be made sense of in your mind, in your thinking mind. And then he goes on to say, “Love is a cosmic force whose sweep is irresistible.” So nothing in there talks about a kind of like, I might say, like lace petticoats and chest kisses. It’s like there’s a boldness, there’s a sweep. It’s irresistible, it’s fire. It’s the central flame of the universe. So what does that look like in practice?

(02:43) What we talked about in Our Circle last month was the four aspects of love defined by Buddhism and interpreted by Vietnamese Buddhist monk, Thích Nhất Hạnh. So I want to give you a little window into the four aspects of love that we explored, one being loving-kindness, the ability to bring joy and happiness to the person you love. That person could be you. That person could be your romantic partner. It could be other intimate relationships in your life. And it could be the people that you interact with on the street. One of the most important words that we explored was the ability, not just the intention. The four aspects of love do require an ability, a practice. Again, we are always going to move beyond the conceptual. A conceptual understanding of love makes no difference. It really doesn’t. Loving-kindness, the ability to bring joy and happiness to the person you love.

(03:50) Now, for some of us that gets a little tricky because we are still in our own codependent patterns. And so we will give what we call love to receive something in return, and it’s a kind of trade deal. That’s not what I’m talking about. I’m asking you to cultivate loving-kindness as an ability to be attentive, observant, and understanding of the person or people you love.

(04:17) A second aspect within the four aspects of love is articulated as compassion. The ability to ease the pain of another. So we got loving-kindness and we got compassion. The third of four aspects is joy. If you are suffering, or the person you love is suffering, that is not love. Love does not suffer. Joy is present. That doesn’t mean you don’t have a range of experiences that include heartbreak, but it is not suffering. And finally, the fourth aspect of love is freedom. Love in a way that extends freedom outside and inside.

(05:06) So what we did in the month of February was we took the four aspects of love. We took these practices of loving-kindness, compassion, joy, and freedom, and then we applied them to four distinct relationships that we may find ourselves in. So I want to talk about that today. And I want you to explore how do loving-kindness, compassion, joy, and freedom show up in these different applications in my life?

(05:37) The first application is self. When I tune into myself, how available am I to love? Do I extend loving-kindness to myself? Do I extend compassion to myself? Do I find joy and freedom in me? I love Audre Lorde says, “Only by learning to live in harmony with your contradictions can you keep it all afloat.” You and I are these complex creatures. Self-love is not based on conditions that are acceptable. Self-love is about really extending loving-kindness, and compassion to the contradictions that live in you. It’s not about some manufactured ideal of perfection. It’s about loving your nuance, texture, and extending acceptance and grace.

(06:35) So the question I’d love for you to ask yourself is what have I determined is beyond the ability to love about myself? And that’s your edge. That’s your love edge. Get curious about what areas of life within me, what aspects of me, have I deemed unlovable? That’s my edge. And can I fall madly in love with the aspects of self that I believe are unlovable?

(07:08) So again, the four aspects of love, loving-kindness, compassion, joy, and freedom, and we’re applying them in four distinct areas of relationship. First is our relationship with ourself. The second is our relationship with our romantic partners. Many years ago, Nathan and I did work with a brilliant man who I know I will have on the podcast at some point in the future. His name is Jim Morningstar, a world-renowned breath worker. And in a moment of real struggle between Nathan and me, Jim said, “Relational intimacy is the final frontier.” So when I think about the activation of love in my most intimate romantic partnership, and that for me is with my husband, how is it that it very possibly is the final frontier in my own development, in my own growth?

(08:04) Oftentimes we will say the people we are closest with get sort of the worst parts of us. We’re willing to be naked, emotionally, mentally, and physically, in front of that person or them. And so it’s like, “Okay, that’s my growth edge.” Where do I withhold loving-kindness and compassion, joy and freedom in my romantic partnership with Nathan? What I’ve come to understand is that Nathan is the greatest reflecting pool for me. He is, unknowingly, constantly inviting me into myself. His very existence, and our agreement in relationship, requires I confront everything I’ve been unwilling to look at within myself. We have always had the agreement that our relationship will be complete once we sense there is no more learning and growth to be available.

(09:11) I could make an argument that you will always be able to find learning and growth in your romantic partnerships. So the end is not soon because we have lots of material to work with. And I’m grateful for that. Doesn’t mean it’s comfortable. Doesn’t mean it’s fun. But remember the work that I will always invite you into is based on the philosophy of oneness. It is based on the notion that nothing is separate and apart from you. And so that requires us to constantly deconstruct the notion that you and I have an opponent. The moment I begin seeing my romantic partner as my opponent, as opposed to my ally, I know that I have struck gold in terms of my work for personal transformation.

(10:06) Now that doesn’t mean you choose to stay with someone eternally that really isn’t a good match. There’s got to be some level of willingness between you and your partner to do the work. I think it can be really frustrating to be in relationship with another human being that is misaligned in terms of values. So Nathan and I have a core value of personal transformation. Some people have a shared value of a particular religion or cultural identity. Some people have a particular value around socioeconomics and class. That wasn’t what served as the foundation for Nathan and me. The foundation for Nathan and my relationship started as personal transformation and I believe has been the reason we’ve been able to move through the peaks and valleys of our relationship.

(11:03) You want to be more alive. You want to unleash your inherent love and goodness, liberate yourself, and free humanity from the oppressive systems and structures we have created. We are here to support you in finding your fierce and loving life. Join us in Our Circle. This is an affirming and radical space that will gather weekly, on-demand or live, whatever works best for your life. For more information on how you can engage in Our Circle, visit lolawright.com/our-circle. I’d love to have you with us.

(11:47) We cited the work of Hale Dwoskin, who is the founder of the Sedona Method. And I think this next invitation that comes from Hale is really perfectly appropriate for the way that we are in intimate relationships with our family, our friends, our partners, our kids, our…. You know, anybody who we’re committed to, like we have some level of intimacy with them. So the third area or application of love is intimate relationships, beyond romantic partnerships. And Hale Dwoskin says this, “Love is wanting for another what they want for themself.”

(12:31) I think that is so essential. Particularly I map this onto my relationship as a parent. Parents very easily make assumptions about what we think is in the best interest of our children and then we will use our agenda to serve as a kind of control plan so that we can manipulate their lives. You could apply that onto any and all relationships. My guess is if you’re being really honest with yourself, your sort of dis-eased application of love in some of your intimate relationships is in fact, a control plan or a transaction.

(13:15) Now, remember, we’re talking about love as that which is beyond analysis, a cosmic force whose sweep is irresistible. It gets demonstrated as loving-kindness, compassion, joy, and freedom. And when I think about the four aspects of love as articulated by Thích Nhất Hạn and he talks about freedom, I think we are most challenged in our intimate relationships, both with our romantic partners, but also with our close family and friends, perhaps even colleagues. Freedom feels scary because it means a loss of control. But if we’re really talking about love, control is not part of the game.

(14:04) And then finally we explored what love looks like in the public square, from a policy perspective and systems and structures. When I was growing up, my dad would say, “Oh, you’re like a bleeding heart liberal.” And it’s like, “Well, gosh, if an expectation of our systems and structures being rooted in love means that I’m a bleeding heart liberal, than yeah, guilty.” I have for years bowed deeply to Cornell West when he said, “Justice is the public face of love.” What he means there is that, again, love that is not articulated and then applied in systems that are just is conceptual. The activity of love must be detectable in our businesses, in our government, in our education, and in our institutions.

(15:03) We are in a kind of collective existential crisis. And I think that largely that is the case because we have misprioritized. We have forgotten this central flame of the universe that we call love. We have become so highly transactional, and we no longer relate to one another as the presence of something mystical and extraordinary. And so if we relate to living creatures, human beings being among them, as kind of like cattle to just be sort of shifted and moved around, I mean, you could think about like a dairy farm, or you could think about an ant farm. It’s very transactional. It’s like, you know, “Move, move, next, move, get in line, move, get in line, move.” If you and I are forming businesses, government, education, and institutions, and relating to the people we are serving as cattle, then love is likely, not alive.

(16:16) So again, love without practice is meaningless. My question for each of us is how is love being activated through your influence? I leave you with these three questions. How can I bring love alive today? Who is in need of a reminder that they are loved? And am I willing to extend love without an expectation of receiving something in return?

(16:47) See, you and I have influence. We are leaders. We are people who have the ability to make a contribution. And then we must ask ourselves, “Where is love in that? Can I bring loving-kindness to my interactions? Is compassion accessible to me? Is joy a value I all forward and is freedom something I extend to myself and others?” So again, walk away today with this. How can I bring love alive in micro-moments? Who may be in need of a reminder that they are loved? And am I willing to extend love without an expectation of receiving anything in return?

(17:43) You are here to be this portal for love on the planet that must move beyond the conceptual. And the opportunity is to apply it to yourself, to your romantic partnerships, to your intimate relationships, and in the public square. How may you bring love alive today?

(18:17) If you enjoyed this show and would like to receive new episodes as they’re published, subscribe wherever you get your podcasts, and consider leaving a review in Apple Podcasts. Your review helps others find this show. You can follow me at Lola P. Wright on Instagram, Facebook, LinkedIn, and Twitter, and learn more about my work at lolawright.com. This episode was produced by Quinn Rose with theme music from independent music producer, Trey Royal.

(19:00) Self-love is not based on conditions that are acceptable. Self-love is about really extending loving-kindness, and compassion to the contradictions that live in you.