“Dreams worth pursuing will scare you. This thing we call struggle, when understood as growth, is a great gift.” — Lola Wright
When you and I become overly dependent on comfort, our lives become small. However, when you lean into your discomfort and say – I know what I believe, I know what I stand for, and I know I have the capacity to move through this discomfort – here, we begin to understand the gifts of struggle. On this episode of Find Your Fierce & Loving, I’m asking you to fall in love with the experience of discomfort and say yes to a life of aliveness, a life of purpose, and to set on fire who you are here to be.
Show Notes
What is pushing your buttons? We have an opportunity to learn to develop comfort with our discomfort. It involves familiarizing yourself with your inner growth edge. I’m talking about your inner state. What rattles you? What throws you off? One one of my early teachers, Denise Schubert, would say, “I may have pushed your buttons, but I did not install them.”
On this episode of Find Your Fierce & Loving, I ask you to get close to your personal growth edge. Closer. Uncomfortably close. Ask it to expand your capacity for discomfort. Receive the gifts of your struggle as you become more in tune with yourself and the things you previously could not see – evolution, growth, and expansion.
Tune in and let’s push some buttons. Let’s ask the necessary questions. Let’s get uncomfortably close to your inner growth edge.
- (00:41) – Falling in love with discomfort
- (04:54) – Buttons of shame
- (16:24) – Setting on fire
- (20:07) – Exercise in grace
- (24:25) – Where is the gap?
Do you want to unleash your inherent love and goodness, liberate yourself, and free humanity from the oppressive systems and structures we have created? We are here to support you in finding your fierce and loving life. Join us in Our Circle, a vibrant membership community rich in opportunities for personal transformation and our collective awakening. Find out more at lolawright.com/our-circle. This winter consider joining us for the Set On Fire Virtual Retreat from December 30 to January 2 – end 2020 powerfully and enter 2021 creatively, lolawright.com/set-on-fire-retreat.
You can follow Lola Wright, on Instagram, Facebook, LinkedIn, and Twitter and learn more about my work at lolawright.com.
Chicago born and built, Lola grew up in wealth and privilege, yet always sensed something was missing. She sought out aliveness and freedom in music, immersing herself in the hip hop and house music scenes of 90s Chicago. After finding herself on her own at 23, as the mother of two young children, she became determined to create a new experience.
Lola is an ordained minister with a gift for weaving together the mystical and material, she served for many years as the CEO of Bodhi Center, an organization committed to personal transformation, collective awakening, conscious activism, and community-building.
Theme music by independent producer Trey Royal.
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Transcript
[00:00:01] Personal transformation and collective awakening involve being the most alive, brilliant, inspired, creative on fire version of yourself; a version that is not consistent with the status quo. My name is Lola Wright and this is Find Your Fierce and Loving. This podcast is a wake up call, a roadmap back to your holy purpose, an invitation to set fire to the box you’ve been living in and watch it burn.
[00:00:41] As more and more of us come to realize that we aren’t living in the depths of survival, we’re actually in a lived experience where we’re refining and moving more and more into the experience of thriving. We’re not surviving. When you and I have access to clean water, when you and I have access to a warm place to sleep, when you and I have reliable access to food, we are not in the midst of survival. For many of us, any time our survival tendency rears its ugly head, it is the survival of the ego that is showing up.
[00:01:32] So this month we’re exploring the gifts of struggle. And I think it’s really important for us to understand what is real struggle and what is manufactured struggle. You know, there’s this adage that we hear all the time and it’s sort of thrown around, “the struggle is real” and we get sort of, you know, affirmation of like, oh, yeah, I’m really struggling, and I just want to invite you to consider losing that language. It is not in service of who you are here to be. The struggle is not real. The struggle is largely manufactured. It is manufactured to sort of hold us back, and we can manufacture it for ourselves. Imagine what life could feel like if you were in regular relationship with the good that is right where you are.
[00:02:28] Now, what that would require is a maturation of our relationship with this thing called good. Very often our perception, our understanding of good is inside of our preferences. It’s good if I like it, it’s good if it feels comfortable, it’s good if it fits inside of my neat plan for the calendar year. It’s good if… fill in the blank. I’d love for you to consider the kind of good I’m talking about is a transcendent good, a universal good, a good that goes beyond our limited perception of reality. And part of what that includes is falling in love with the experience of discomfort. We are really in an opportunity to learn to develop comfort with discomfort. And honestly, the only way I know how to do that is through experience. It involves familiarizing yourself with your inner growth edge. I’m not necessarily talking about a kind of growth edge of, you know, real measurable goals. I’m talking about your inner state, your inner peace, what rattles me, what throws me off. You know, the work that I’ve been doing with my coach of over ten years is really looking at the ways that I still allow myself to get distracted and taken out by my discomfort.
[00:04:09] See, I imagine that there is a life you desire. There are experiences, relationships, purpose, vision, dreams that you imagine that would bring you alive. It may be launching your life’s work through a charitable organization. It may be traveling around the world with people you love. In my experience, dreams worth pursuing will scare you. They will bring up loads of discomfort and require your growth. This thing we call struggle when understood as growth is a great gift.
[00:04:54] What my current struggle has looked like has shown up in a number of different ways, and I want to give you a little bit of insight into what my experience of struggle has been most recently; perhaps as some context for what you may be working on in your life and keeping in mind that we’re all in different places. And that’s OK.
[00:05:16] I recently joined a business community, a business coaching community, and there are many, many members at various stages of their business. You know, for those of you that know me, I’ve spent decades on my own personal transformation on really becoming an expert in the field of consciousness. And, you know, a number of years ago, a business consultant at Bodhi said to me as sort of a job, it was a little bit of like a sucker punch. He was critiquing some of my naiveté. And, you know, to some extent he wasn’t wrong. I had had years of business experience in banking and real estate, and there was still more I needed to learn and grow. And he basically said to me, you got to get someone who can run this business. And I sort of took that to heart.
[00:06:18] So I recently joined this business community, and the group split up into revenue brackets. And so if you were at a very young stage of your business and had only built to a certain revenue level, you were going to go into this small group and so on and so forth. And I had asked the facilitator, based on my previous experience and the size of businesses I’ve run historically, if it was appropriate for me to go in the infancy group or in the more robust group. And she said, I could imagine there would be value in you going into the more robust group, in the group that had a higher annual revenue number. And so, look, I understand my ego preferred that. And when she said that, it was incredibly validating.
[00:07:10] So there I went. I went into the larger revenue group, and there happened to be a small group facilitator there. And when we all checked in, and I articulated where I am and my business, she pretty swiftly pointed out that I was not suited for that particular breakout group. She very poignantly asked me, Lola, what’s the annual revenue of your business? And, you know, look, I’m starting a new business. I’ve grown businesses. I’ve grown businesses in corporations. My husband and I own our own business. I’ve run a nonprofit. I mean, there are lots of iterations of my career. But this particular business that I’ve recently launched is in a kind of startup phase. I did not meet the revenue numbers of this particular group. And she started probing me, and it felt uncomfortable.
[00:08:13] I mean, there were like eight people in this small group, and I started to feel challenged. And I could tell in the subtlety of my being that embarrassment was rising. Shame was beginning to emerge. I was being called out. It was reminiscent of critiques I had received as a young child. Your being too big for your britches. My dad would always say you have champagne taste on a beer budget. And in that seemingly benign moment of this business coach probing my revenue numbers, a wave of discomfort came over me. And I could feel with in micro moments a desire to disappear. Me. This bold, big, brilliant presence wanted to be gone. And here I was in front of other people that I didn’t know, other business leaders being challenged on whether or not I was a fit. I responded to her questions, she invited me to stay, but there was something about the interaction that had me realize I was not necessarily wanted there.
[00:09:38] For the remainder of the call, about an hour, it was an opportunity. it was an opportunity for me to really do my work. The gift of that moment was that she pushed some buttons I did not know were still there. You know, one of my early teachers, some of you know her, Denise Schubert, said years ago, “I may have pushed your buttons, but I did not install them.” And that was a classic example. This woman pushed my buttons; she pushed my buttons of inadequacy, she pushed my buttons of embarrassment, she pushed my buttons of shame. This was all my own inner work, and I did not appreciate it.
[00:10:35] Now, after decades of doing my own self awareness practice, I could sit in the discomfort of not appreciating her inquiry of me, while realizing this was a moment for my evolution. My growth, my expansion. I could either indulge my ego mind, my thinking, mind my neurotic patterns of making her wrong — “She shouldn’t be treating me like this. I’m paying to be in this group. Doesn’t she know who I am? I am an accomplished human being. I mean, this is embarrassing. I’m embarrassed for her, quite frankly.”
[00:11:21] You know, you can hear the mind coming up with all the rationale to ward off threat; to protect itself, to create a sense of safety. This is the gift of discomfort. When you and I begin to fall in love with our evolution, our growth, our expansion, our awakening, our awareness, we begin to perceive all of life’s obstacles as an opportunity for learning and growth. And so that’s what it was for me. It was not comfortable, I breathed through the remainder of that call. I really had to be with myself and check my ego over and over and over. How is this woman for me? How is her push back, in service of my growth? And I actually got to the point where I could completely agree. After about an hour of taking responsibility for the triggers that lived within me; taking responsibility for the discomfort, the fear, the the pain; wanting to be further along in my business than I am; the more I could be with the gift of what this discomfort was providing, the more I could actually see how her feedback was true. You know me being in a group of people at these early stages of business likely we would have more common things to talk about.
[00:13:07] So it’s funny, an email thread got kicked off with this group, and I outed myself to the group in the coming week. And I said, hey, look, you know, it was pretty clear to me that this may not be exactly where I should be. And I want to honor the agreements of this particular community, and I don’t want to overstep and overstate where I should be. And I really was comfortable with that. Couple of days went by and a few people chimed in here and there and said, you know, we’d really love for you to stay in the group. We really think that you’d get value out of being with us, and we’d get value out of being with you.
[00:13:43] And so, you know, here we are. I took an experience that provoked embarrassment, that provoked shame, that really had me feeling sort of like a loser. Now, what’s ironic is I stayed in sort of the subtleties of that pattern for the next couple of weeks. You know, I just began to look for all of the ways that I am still holding on to any storylines of inadequacy, not measuring up, not being where I’d like to be. And I started to see evidence of it in very subtle ways, in different domains of my life. And I began to out myself to the people I love. I started to have really honest conversations with some of the people that are closest with me when I would begin to sense the inklings of this remaining thought pattern, this subconscious belief.
[00:14:55] I’m so excited we have kicked off Our Circle, this dynamic membership community that gathers each and every week live and on demand. If you’re looking for a way to take this conversation into deeper practice, consider checking out Our Circle. All the information is on my website, lolawright.com. This December, at the end of the month as a way to end 2020 powerfully and enter 2021 creatively I am inviting you into the Set On Fire virtual retreat. It’s 99 dollars and it’s going to be an immersive experience with a little bit of community gathering on December 30th from 7 to 9 p.m. Central Time. Then we will have two days of self guided practice, which we will provide you with all of the instructions and lovingly nudge you on. And then we’ll reconvene on Saturday, January 2nd from 1 to 3:30 p.m. Central Time. If you are looking for a way to end 2020 powerfully and enter twenty twenty one creatively, I would love to have you join me for the Set On Fire retreat. Find the link in today’s show notes and get registered. Invite your friends. Join me. It will be powerful, mystical, magical. And I want you there with me.
[00:16:24] So, look, you know, you and I are going to go through waves and waves and waves of discomfort, as we say yes to a life of aliveness, a life of purpose. As we say yes to setting on fire who we are here to be. You know, the irony is that, you know this idea of setting on fire comes from the Semitic root for the word love. You know, I often times say I think we have a really adolescent relationship to this idea of love in the same way that we have an adolescent relationship to this idea of discomfort.
[00:17:09] As I say yes to expansion, to growth, to evolution I’m going to find myself in the gap between what I know and what I don’t know. And that requires a kind of surrender of faith. So, as you say yes to growth, as you say yes to expansion, you’re also saying yes to struggle. And in my experience, as you navigate struggle, as you navigate discomfort, doing so without a sense of trust in something greater than this material realm, oh, gosh, you’re really teetering out there. And look, you know, I don’t hold a context for some anthropomorphic entity that is separate and apart from me that is, you know, very often referred to through the word God. I deconstructed that word long ago and have reconstructed a rich and robust spiritual life that far transcends some kind of paternalistic or patriarchal figure in the sky. And so I remain in this kind of dance between the known and the unknown. I remain in this kind of like, What does faith in the unseen look like in the absence of a separate God? What does faith in the unseen realm look like in my moments of discomfort?
[00:18:52] So, you know, when I’m on that call and I’m butting up against things like embarrassment, shame, inadequacy, I’m breathing, I’m breathing into my belly. I’m noticing what’s my body posture, paying close attention to my breath. Can I breathe in? Soft belly, you know, maybe move my body. OK, Lola, what’s the truth of who you are? Who you are is this glorious expression of life itself. Who you are is a unique and holy channel to contribute your gifts on the planet. When something comes up that pushes my buttons, it’s an opportunity for me to notice where my work resides.
[00:19:42] See, here’s the thing. When you and I become overly dependent on comfort, our lives become small. This shows up in a million ways. I don’t know what your growth edge is, but you do. I don’t know if your growth edge in invoking or expanding your capacity for discomfort comes in the face of a heated political conversation among people with whom you have differing opinions. That may be the moment where you got to lean into your discomfort and say, “I know what I believe, I know what I stand for, I have capacity to move through this discomfort.” You know, the alternative is we just acquiesce. And we just sort of go along to get along. The gifts are we become more in tune with ourself. We become aware of the things we previously could not see.
[00:20:53] You know, many years ago when I stepped into leadership at Bodhi Center in Chicago, it was like walking out onto the skinny branches of life. I mean, I had never done anything like that in my life. Sure, I had been, you know, a performer and in front of audiences. Sure, I had been a communicator in like a sales environment, but I had not been in a significant role of leadership in a spiritual community or in a nonprofit in my life. And all of a sudden, the founder left, and all of a sudden I was required to step into a bigger idea of me. And guess what? I made all kinds of… no, I don’t want to call them mistakes, but all kinds of flubs, and they were happening on stage with a microphone being filmed. Oh my goodness, it was such an exercise in grace for myself. How can I love myself even in the midst of my breakdowns? How can I love myself even in the midst of criticism? I will tell you, leading a community for seven years with thousands of people cycling through and loads of opinions, it was my great training ground for connecting with my inner world. For knowing what is true, independent of external circumstances and conditions.
[00:22:41] See, you and I are going to experience discomfort. When you and I say yes to our purpose, when you and I say yes to a life alive on fire, a big, bold existence, there is going to be all kinds of opposition that comes up in that. So the distinction here, when we talk about the gifts of struggle, we’re not talking about entering into this kind of woe is me. I don’t know if when you were growing up you had a parent that would sort of poke you when you were feeling sorry for yourself. But I certainly did. My dad would take his two fingers, usually his thumb and his index finger, and he’d rub them together. And he would say to me, oh, play me another song on the tiniest violin in existence, and he would humor me. And I’m so grateful for those lessons. At a young age, he was pushing back on the indulgence of my drama.
[00:24:04] Look, you’re not unique, you’re not experiencing anything that other human beings have not experienced. When you allow your neuroses to latch on to your discomfort, it becomes a loop of suffering. So in this moment, I’d love for you to check in. What is it that you’re up to in your life? What is it that you’re wanting to expand into? Where is the gap, and how is that gap in service of your learning, your growth, your awareness?
[00:24:49] That woman was a huge gift to me in that business coaching group. She revealed to me the edge that I have, the hook that I still have in the realm of humiliation, shame and embarrassment. I have a desire to cultivate my being such that I am unflappable, not without feelings. Sure, I remain available to my heartbreak. I remain available to my anger. I remain available to my fear. But I want to know that there is nothing that anyone can do that can ultimately challenge the deep, holy and profound relationship that I have with my inner world, with my higher self. The gifts of struggle include bringing awareness to our growth edge, leaning in, asking the necessary questions. What is pushing my buttons? What is this wanting to expose?
[00:26:10] So you and I are here, we’re gathered because we want to live big on fire, amazing, inspiring lives. We want to rise above the inertia. We want to rise above the seduction that says we are no more than our circumstances and our conditions. And in so doing, expect to experience loads of discomfort. And as I’ve said before, the more comfortable you may become with discomfort, the more capable you are in accessing creative solutions and expanding and imagining another reality.
[00:27:01] If you enjoyed this show and would like to receive new episodes as they’re published, subscribe wherever you get your podcasts and consider leaving a review in Apple podcasts. Your reviews help others find this show. You can follow me @lolapwright on Instagram, Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter and learn more about my work at lolawright.com. This episode was produced by Dante32 with theme music from independent music producer Trey Royal.
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