A massive evolution in human consciousness and in our physiology is underway, and it relates to what I call The Transformational Leader’s Way of Being.
As a species we have been walking the planet primarily in a state of reactivity to stimulus. Yet it is becoming more and more clear that we actually have a choice in the way we respond to life. Holding one another accountable to a standard of responsibility that creates space between stimulus and response is becoming more commonplace.
As you realize that there is a power, capacity, agency, and an authority that is within you—not only outside of you pulling the puppet strings of your reactions, moods, and responses—all of us are benefited.
There’s an increased sense of freedom in the human experience the more that we come to realize that in any given moment we have a choice as to how we respond.
Four Ways Of Being
I want to share a framework that I often use in my work with individual clients and their teams, which was made popular by the brilliant Michael Beckwith.
Consider that there are four primary ways of being:
1. To Me: Most human beings, most of the time, are living in what we would call a “to me” state of existence, experience, or being, where it feels like “life is happening to me.”
It can be as benign as a drive to the grocery store and traffic is not conforming to your preferences. Suddenly it can really feel like there is something opposing you. Ever lose it at the coffee shop when you didn’t get your latte right? Probably not about the coffee. Disproportionate reactions to benign interactions are an easy way to identify when you are feeling “at the effect” of the world around you. That’s a ”‘to me” experience. It’s a way of being we take on in reaction to the stimulus around us.
2. By Me: As we realize more and more that we do not have to be a walking reaction to the stimulus of our lives, we take responsibility and we begin to realize our creative capacity.
We begin to realize that we can create different outcomes, different circumstances and conditions, that are congruent with that which we want. We stop existing as if something is happening to us.
A “by me” way of being enables you to realize that you can create what you desire, whether that’s the ideal parking spot, a better relationship, or the next evolution of your career—whatever you value most.
Oftentimes the high performers and leaders I work with hang out a little too long in the “by me” experience, and it can both enlarge and erode one’s ego, identity, and sense of personality. Even when you’re really great at creating and efforting (and even look hot while doing it!), it can be exhausting when it’s all about producing results. You are not a machine.
The human addiction to producing results can stunt us at “by me.” As we evolve in awareness and become more interested in working with life and not against life we begin to realize the value of the two other ways of being in this brilliant framework:
3. Through Me: An experience in consciousness, a shift beyond waking up to personal responsibility.
“Through me” is a deepening and surrendering to life. This can be very scary for high performers. I get it. Allowing yourself to be moved through surrender and inspiration, deep listening and guidance is a far more easeful, graceful, kind, curious, and gentle way to walk on the planet, lead a team, an organization, your family…your life!
A “through me” experience of life is deeply trusting that something greater than your muscle and effort is working in concert with you.
Would you be willing to consider that you and your strength have a finite capacity to influence change? And in fact, there may be this thing called Life, that when you work in concert with it, when you are in the flow of it, things that may not have been produced through your sheer muscle and effort are available to you?
There’s a way that we all imagine life will go for us. You probably had a series of plans over the course of your life whether it involved your relationship, career, a location change…there’s a way you expected it to go and then the plot twists. At that moment, do you trust life? Do you surrender to something greater than your muscle, your effort, your vision? Or do you keep fighting for your way?
To live in a “through me” state of being is to settle your central nervous system and to trust deeply that something greater is happening here.
4. As Me: This is an awakened state of consciousness. It is what we long for among ascended masters and mystics, a complete sense of peace, equanimity, and serenity.
I can think of a couple times in my life that I’ve truly had this really exquisite “as me” experience. I’ll never forget driving down the street on a gorgeous day and I was listening to this brilliant South African trumpeter Hugh Masekela and it was just a second. Time and space disappeared, I was in complete and total bliss, a felt sense of oneness with all of existence. There was no personal Self, no me…and the moment I realized it, it was over.
I want you to begin to realize that you are more than this meat suit, living in a hyper reactive experience to the stimulus that is happening before you. At any moment, you can take a deep breath and consider that it is not just about your efforting, your muscle, your vision, and that in fact, you can surrender to something greater, and ironically, paradoxically, life gets easier.
Living more often in a “through me” state is the Transformational Leader’s Way of Being. This is one of the great transformations that high performers can make to realize more of who they’re here to be, experience, and contribute on the planet. Life can be more than muscling. Imagine allowing yourself to be supported in ways you can’t even consider…it really is paradigm bending.
A recap:
- To me: Life is happening to me. I am at the effect of circumstances and conditions.
- By me: I wake up to the idea that I can create the reality that I desire. I take responsibility.
- Through me: I surrender to life. I allow life to have its way with me. I listen for inspired action. I tune in.
- As me: I release any sense of separateness and realize oneness with all of existence.
These are some big ideas that are best understood in direct application.
If you are committed to practicing new ways of being and would like support in breaking free from old ways of being, learn about my coaching for high performers and their teams.
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